Toronto. What a great place to live in. People cut you off while riding your bike on one-way streets, they don't say thank you
when you open the doors, and shit on you when you're down on the ground. Plus most of the population are lemmings when it comes to the
subway. Let's dive into this situation a little bit deeper.
Every morning I get up around 8 AM to get ready for work, so that I'm out the door by 8:20 AM. The subway system here, while simple, is
always difficult to get the hang of because of these three things:
1. You have to always arrive at the subway station BEFORE 8:30 AM to beat the rush.
2. You have to make sure that you are down on the platform before the rush begins, because as soon as the transit busses arrive
hundreds of working douche bags will swarm the platform and push and shove you around till they are at the front of the line.
3. You HAVE to grow some balls and charge the door like a fucking VIKING as soon as it opens so you can get some breathing space while
on the crowded subway car.
Now, the great thing about learning these three important rules is that as soon as you accomplish it you can enjoy the fruits of your
labor by watching the other idiots struggle to get in, because during the rush hour at least 150 people cram themselves into one car.
There have been a few good instances where I have seen people getting injured while attempting to charge the door just as it's closing,
because idiots like these think that if they don't catch this subway they are fucked and it's the end of the world. And they suffer for
it. To me, it's awesome.
Take example number one:
While watching the doors close, a small Asian woman started running towards the subway screaming, "HOLD THE DOOR! HOLD THE DOOR!", and
somebody did. Then just as the little lady crossed the line and into the door, she was SLAMMED in-between them and half her body was in
the subway, and the other not. The automatic door opened and closed again and the lady managed to get most of her body in, except her
arm, which was at once crushed again by the door. This happened about twice more before she was finally in, and people started to ask
if she was okay, and started to complaining about the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) and how they have no respect for their riders.
Well let's see here…
THE FUCKING DOORS WERE CLOSING! YOU CANNOT CHARGE THE DOORS THINKING THAT THEY WILL REOPEN FOR YOU AND THAT YOU WILL BE LET IN. WHEN
THE FUCKING CHIME GOES OFF, THAT MEANS GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY, WE ARE FUCKING OUT OF HERE. YOU DO NOT CONTROL THE SUBWAY. And then
fact that people started to complain about no respect? If you want respect, then you respect the ways of the goddamn subway and it will
give you respect in return. If you charge the fucking door, you will be disrespected and I will not feel sorry for your dumbass actions
and injuries. Plus, I can respectfully laugh at your actions.
This is by far my favorite one. Again, I got onto the subway, ready to go to my job, and doors begin to close. I stand there
waiting to see if anyone is going to race towards the doors, and lo and behold, there is. This lady runs faster than a homeless guy
does at the sight of a pizza crust on the ground and the doors close right before she gets in and SLAMS HER FUCKING FACE ON THE DOOR!!!
IT WAS SOOOOOOO GREAT! She turned around and started to cry cause I guess she hurt herself pretty badly. I could not help but laugh at
her misfortune because it was like watching Wile. E Coyote running into a wall. Man, the subway is great entertainment.
I have tons of other stories about this, including the drunk who decided it was a great idea to stand on the outside of the door
and ride along with the subway and jumped off just before it entered the tunnel and rolled away to safety just in time. He turned to me
and said, "Fuck dude! I'm still drunk from two days ago and it's the fucking best! FREE RIDE!!!!!!"
But wait! THERE IS MORE!!!!!
Now, watching people fucking killing themselves is not the only great thing about the subway. There are also a few games that you can
1. BLOCK THE RUNNING IDIOTS SO THAT THEY MISS THEIR TRAIN.
This game is one of my favorites to play because it's so great! What you do is right before the train arrives at the station,
pick someone who is rushing towards it and start running after them and BLOCK their way by dropping stuff on the ground or tying your
shoe. Even better is to play defense and continue to walk in front of them. The best part is (for you competitive types) is that you
ALWAYS FUCKING WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Cough like you have SARS and pretend that you are sick with it.
This game is really simple. All you need to do is pretend that you are deathly ill when riding the train and cough and sneeze a
lot. The best is when you are in a crowded subway car and standing next to 5 other people sharing the same railing and coughing into
your hand (or sneezing) and put that hand back onto the railing. You will make people sick and they will stare at you. It's great
because people are so paranoid that SARS will return.
This one is probably the best thing you can do. All it takes is some good gas that has been festering in your bowels. The only
thing you have to do is release the chemicals onto the crop and continue to walk. Remember this has to be done when you are either
entering the train or leaving the platform. You MUST KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE, otherwise the people of the subway will know it's you. I
highly recommend playing this game because:
A. It will stink up the whole subway car and make people sick.
B. It will offer ultimate relief and satisfaction to yourself, because holding in your farts can (within time) hurt your internal
organs. Plus it's not a good way to go.
C. The faces you will see after the "cropdusting" is pure gold.
And there you have it folks! The best and worst things about the Subway system in Toronto. I hope that you found this article
amusing and educational!
Next time: "How do avoid eye contact / How to make people really uncomfortable while walking down the street" or
"How you can be really obnoxious to those who think they are better than you at shows"
TILL NEXT TIME!!!!